Osmington

Osmington, WA — we don’t have crime here. We have *fencegate*. And a Facebook group called “Osmington Fencegate” with 42 members who treat a survey plan like the Dead Sea Scrolls.

It starts innocently enough: a semi-retired couple from Cottesloe, now “tree-changing” on a 10-hectare block, posts grainy night vision of a neighbour’s alpaca eating prize roses. The accused farm — the one at 225 Osmington Road, home to sheep, alpacas, cattle, geese, ducks, guinea fowl, emus, peacocks and chickens — fires back with screenshots of a 1970s boundary survey. Both sides claim they’ve got “the real Osmington spirit”, but nobody’s spoken to an actual farmer since the 1990s.

Saturday morning ritual: head to CBCo Brewery on Osmington Rd for a paddle-pop of craft ale (four tasters, one paddle, zero tolerance for anyone who calls it a “flight”). Then back to the rustic luxe chalet — you know the one, handcrafted furniture, cosy textiles, fresh flowers — to light the fire even though it’s 28 degrees. The NBN booster arrives via courier before the espresso machine gets unpacked.

The misfit? A 24-year-old from Joondalup who moved here thinking it’d be Byron Bay. Complains about the roosters at 6am. Asked for oat milk at the general store. Tried to start a wellness retreat involving naked yoga in a shed — shut down after one week and two strongly worded letters. Still waiting for Uber Eats to deliver a frappe.

But look, you’ll love it here if your dream is to “downsize” from a five-bedroom Cottesloe mansion to a four-bedroom “cottage” with a $3000 espresso machine and a 5G booster. Just keep your alpaca off the neighbour’s roses, and for the love of god, don’t mention the fence.