Nillup

Every Saturday morning we do the same loop: check the fence line, then head to the IGA for a ‘breakfast meeting’ — which is just the town’s 47 residents arguing about who left the gate open. But this year, the real action wasn’t at the servo.

The annual Nillup Show was canned after ‘Feral Pig Racing’ was deemed ‘too competitive’. Specifically, Kevin — prize-winning boar, local celebrity, now Instagram phenom run by the publican’s teenage daughter — breached the fence mid-race and ploughed straight into the CWA lamington drive. Kevin’s still receiving wedding proposals from tourists.

But can we be honest? The pig wasn’t the scandal. The real crime? One of the CWA judges used a store-bought sponge. In Nillup, that’s not a baking shortcut — that’s a generational betrayal. We’re still not over it. This town will forgive Kevin before it forgives that Woolworths sponge.

Who would *hate* living here? Priya, the UX designer from Melbourne who moved for a ‘sea change’ after seeing an influencer post about regional living. She tried to start a wellness circle in the CWA hall but refused to call it a ‘circle’ because it’s ‘too exclusive’. She asked the pub to stock natural orange wine. She was asked to leave.

Who would *love* it? Darryl, 58, former tradie from Gosnells. Up at 5am. Wears an akubra inside. Has a dog named Diesel — same as his ute. Leaves the engine running at the IGA because ‘it’s common sense’. Complains about the 40-minute drive to a proper supermarket then buys a lotto ticket and a loaf of bread.

Nillup: where the biggest controversy isn’t the pig — it’s the artificial vanilla.