Boranup

In Boranup, we don't measure status by your Prado 250 — everyone's got one of those, usually with 6000kms on the clock from the dealer principal's wife's school run. No, the real class marker in this karri forest enclave is whether your agg pipe is socked or unsocked.

The civil war started on a Nextdoor thread that's now more heated than the Margaret River Pro. Someone's husband spent $2k on the wrong pipe sock for their award-winning MORQ Architecture house — that's the one that won The Marshall Clifton Award at the 2017 WA Architecture Awards, in case you weren't at the ceremony. Now the karri forest is flooding his veggie patch, forcing him to choose between architectural integrity and dry heirloom tomatoes. The unsocked faction argues for "material honesty" and natural drainage. The socked crew just wants their concrete floor to stop cracking every winter.

Meanwhile at Conto Campground, the real drama unfolds: a Perth mum in a Prado 250 faces off against a hippie in a rattly HiAce who's been "living intentionally" for three weeks. Beginners at Boranup Beach rock up in 4WDs — because Felicity Palmateer herself recommends it for beginners — get bogged, and blame the sand for their lack of recovery tracks.

Who would hate it here? The backpacker from Manchester who booked a "cheap cabin" and didn't realise there's no Uber Eats. They ask why the wifi is slow and get a lecture about disconnecting from the matrix from a guy with a man bun.

Who would love it? The 42-year-old creative director from Cottesloe in linen overalls, who owns a $4k mountain bike they've ridden twice, a sourdough starter named Boris, and a deep conviction that their socked agg pipe situation makes them a better person than their neighbour.