Yarrambat

Yarrambat, VIC — the only time we’ve ever made the news was when Yarra Valley Water told 88 suburbs to boil their water in 2020. And honestly? That’s the most attention we’ve had since the horse float parking dispute of ’09. We’re the suburb that lifestyle guides forget to mention, the blank spot on the “best brunch in Melbourne” lists. And we’re fine with that.

Back in the day, if you needed a flat white, you’d drive to Diamond Creek. Now? You still drive to Diamond Creek. Our morning routine involves a 6am ute horn duet with the neighbour’s rooster, a quick check that the bore water hasn’t turned brown, and a smug wave to the traffic jam on Yan Yean Road as we turn onto our dirt driveway. We don’t have a cafe. We have a cold can of Coke from the servo in Hurstbridge.

The only drama we’ve got is whether the local CFA has enough volunteers for the fire season, or if that new house on the corner will actually finish building before next El Niño. As Broadsheet once noted, we were just one of 88 suburbs with a “potential water quality issue” — a perfect metaphor for our place in Melbourne’s consciousness: technically included, but only as a footnote.

Who would hate it here? Anyone who needs a late-night kebab, a tram, or a conversation that doesn’t start with “did you see the price of hay?”. If you think a “big night out” means a live band at the Yarrambat Golf Club, you’re not ready.

Who would love it? People who want a quarter-acre block with actual dirt, a view of the Plenty River that isn’t someone’s pool, and a local community that waves at every car because we’re pretty sure we know whose ute that is. We’re not a destination. We’re a place you end up, accidentally, and then never leave. Just boil your water first.